Closing time…

For five long years I’ve have been living a joyless fraught existence. Why? Because change for me doesn’t come easy(you know it don’t come easy).

Not liking my home of 5 years I continued to go back to where I once lived happily for almost 20 years, Miami Beach.

Every summer since I’ve left I rent an apartment there fleeing my current misery. But this time – unlike previous times, It all fell apart. First off I allowed a friend and realtor to pick this apt. out for me. Big mistake. The building and the location where alien to me. I felt adrift and alone in a sea of melancholy. I lashed out at my loved ones with a vengeance. It was all my husbands’ fault for putting me in this position, not liking my current home and feeling equally lost in my former home it was all his fault. Who else could I blame?

My website crashed and I saw that as an omen for me to pack it in. After all I used to be a lot of things but now I am just trying to regain all that I lost in 5 years chiefly myself worth, my pride my skills and talents. All gone just by changing my zip code. I have given up on my business and have decided to stop sharing as well. Because all that does is take away my power by giving countless other predators the ability to mine my life for Their profit.

So I’m closing a chapter of my life. And I don’t know when a new opportunity will present itself – maybe never- but at least I no longer feel the need to prove anything to ANYONE not even to myself.


One thought on “Closing time…

  1. It’s too bad that it took so long for you to realize that you don’t have to prove anything to anyone. For me going bald did it starting in my late 20s and early 30’s. At first I sort of felt to be lesser of a human, but eventually, after so many snubs, and seeing how others cower and wear baseball caps, or worse yet, create some kind of hair flap, I said to myself fuck it…fuck them! The ones who meanly make jokes or comments. It’s not like I had a choice in the matter anyway. So your vanity flies out the window, and you are somehow liberated in not caring what people think (unless there is money involved… šŸ™‚ ) Then I decided to embrace it and shave my head. Now I realize it was good preparation for growing old. Not only am I balding, what hair I have left is grey, and now my skin is changing, getting lines and wrinkles. But what can you do? Just avoid mirrors and accept that at 55 I am not going to look like George Clooney, but so won’t most other 55 year olds.
    So much of the bullshit of life turns out to be others expectations of you or your perception of what you think others will think or expect. As people in Fort Wayne are want to say “Fuck that shit!” ha ha
    Great stuff Vivian!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s