Pissing the Night Away

Can We Talk?

In homage to Joan Rivers – I’m going to over share as I know she’s egging me on from her celestial comedy club. So while attempting to blog about my ADHD disorder – I awoke one morning peeing blood! I went to the ER and was told that I had a raging bladder infection which caused the bleeding and has a rather ominous sounding name hemorrhagic cystitis. How and why I caught this infection is beyond my medical knowledge. But suffuse it to say that I had lower back pain – L5 S1 herniated disk surgery many years ago so I assumed that was the cause. I was wrong.It was kidney pain I had ignored.

In fact I have been diagnosed with “Over active bladder.” Lovely…I had several invasive test ( note to self get a Brazilian wax) cause the doctors will be all up in your private parts – so be hairless for their entry. There I said it…thank you Joan Rivers – you have always been the voice of reason in an otherwise “PC” world. The cat scan did not show kidney stones, thank Goddess!

But the cystoscopy did show a raging infection live and in color for me to see while said Urologist was probing the walls of my bladder/vagina….with his camera device. So after determining that it was Not Cancer…a 10 day course of Cipro was ordered and taken and numerous pee samples examined for bugs,cancer, bacteria and my former virginity.

How amusing: Not. Lessons on properly emptying my bladder also called Voiding – were detailed to me in great length as a pee diary was handed to me.

This consisted of  a plastic hat that sits on the toilet and then upon urinating you record the amount you release and write it down and then empty the contents where they belong.  I found this exercise curiously exciting; how much does my bladder hold and for how long. Well a lot but not for long is the short answer- In one 24 hour period I peed 20 times in one day!!!!

The normal pee regime I’m told is 7 or 8 times a day.Therefore this is why I am Not sleeping and wake up tired exhausted and wanting to bite someone. (my husband says don’t poke the bear in the morning) all true I confess- truth or dare….I dare to tell you the horrors of having a large bladder that does not empty properly despite my urgent and frequent runs to the Toilet. So who gives a damn about my ADD when I can’t stop peeing?

Meds help but all of my favorite things are a NO NO when it comes to bladder health. Here is a partial list of what to avoid: Alcohol,chocolate, coffee, spicy foods, nuts and my sanity when deprived of each and everyone of them- my favorite things  can and do trigger over active-” pissing the night away.”

I’m thinking Depends should make me their spokesperson for wearing their adult diapers at night so I don’t have to wake from my favorite REM state to get up and take a whiz….It would be a testimonial and I could be their poster child for adult sleep deprivation – saved by wearing Diapers to bed-or alternately..plastic sheets anyone? This condition gives new meaning to Wet and Wild sex.

I’m glad we had this talk and I hope Joan Rivers approves.

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